Second child guilt

           

One of the biggest struggles I had during my pregnancy was guilt. I felt guilty I was nauseous all the time, and when I wasn't nauseous, I was tired. I felt guilty i struggle to get on the floor to pay with Jake. But my biggest struggle was feeling by having the baby, I was taking away from Jake. 

           I had read all the articles about how your heart grows bigger, and your kid gains more. For me it was the fact my attention was going to be divided, and feeling tired and nauseous, that felt like a well that had gotten a lot more shallow. None of these things were helping.

            Finally one day, I looked in the mirror, I'm a big sister. Did I ever feel unloved, or like I was missing love that was supposed to be mine...not that I can recall. Then I tried to think what my childhood would have been like as an only child...and flat out, I didn't want to. My brother was the one who was ALWAYS there. When we were dropped off at our grandparents. Or Christmas morning when we were too excited to sleep, but dad said it was too early to get up, we'd stay together. I'm not here to trash being an only child, I didn't experience it, I don't know what the high points are. But I know for me, my childhood was better because my brother was in it. I wanted this for Jake. So, I started to nurture that relationship before it came, guilt free.

          I should mention, as I type this, it's been 31 years since I became a big sister. Happy Birthday Peter!

           K, luv ya, bye

           Nancy

Less than a Month

         Yesterday was my Birthday and I realized...I'm less than a month away from getting started for Christmas, and of course doing my blog.

          This will mark my 5th year doing the series and have things ever changed in that time. We went from an apartment to a house. We went from just Cale and I to having a kid. This year we have two. 

 

         The year Jake was born he was six months old when the series started and it was my first year I went into it saying, we'll see how this goes. Well Brock will be one month when I start this year, so let me emphasize it. 

          My blog is an outlet for me, and anything that has me planning for Christmas makes me exceptionally happy, so I'm trying to make my posts a priority. 

           Wanted to share this little teaser because I have my plan mapped out and I am excited to get going next month

     

         K, Luv Ya, Bye 

         Nancy

Good Lord the Hormones

         I know they discuss postpartum depression in like all the baby classes, but I don't think they really cover the baby blues. Not to the extent I think maybe they should anyway, and the difference between them and ppd. 

        Our second son Brock came into our lives last week and it's been a blur since. When Jake was born, I'm 99% sure I had undid postpartum depression. Not wanting to feel that way again, my mental health was a priority with me. My husband and sister in-law are both on high alert for me. 

         But here is the problem, baby blues. In the beginning your hormones are a mess. You can cry easily. I find myself not wanting to cry for fear of it being ppd. It feels different from last time. Last time I felt like I was messing everything up, and useless, and I couldn't leave my house, because I would lose control of everything if I did...and then I felt isolated if I didn't leave the house...then later, I felt like I lost myself, and to and extent I did. That is what ppd felt like for me.

         My experience this time has felt different. Brock is a week old and has been on 2 walks, one was a spontaneous adventure to take Jake to see boats. Spontaneous would have caused a meltdown with my first pregnancy. I have gotten overwhelmed with stuff not related to the boys at all. My support system noted this and it is something that's been noted. Also noted is my lack of sleep playing into it. My biggest trigger for water works is actually Jake. Between the sweet things he says and does with me and his brother, it doesn't take much. Then there is remembering. For example, tears are running down my face right now...Brock is laying on my chest asleep and I remember this with Jake. What's more I remember that time being a struggle, and wishing for an easier time to come...so mom guilt plays in too. 

        Right now my mental health is so hard to gauge. When I cry I analyze it every time, baby blues or ppd? I think it's my biggest struggle right now. I wanted to share this, because yeah it's not talked about. But also, this blog has always been a therapy for me, and it feels good to write these things. So there it is. My struggle to define, Postpartum Depression, or "Just Baby Blues"

         K, Luv ya, Bye

         Nancy

Hospital Bags For Round 2

       

          There is a lot of Hype behind the hospital bag. There are Youtube videos, miles of Pintrest posts, and I would gorge myself on them in my first pregnancy. One thing I remember so well after Jake was born, was we didn't use half of it. I write this looking at 3-4 weeks left max, and the bags are packed. I went with the less is more approach this time.

          Knowing I was about to have 2 kids, two hands and a lot more diapers to haul around, I bought a bigger and backpack diaper bag. For baby B, here is what I packed:

           4 Sleepers (3 with built in mitts and feet)
           2 Hats
           1 pair of gloves
           2 swaddle blankets
           2 receiving blankets
           1 fleece blanket
           1 Halo Velcro swaddle blanket
           A BUNCH of Diapers
           Vaseline
           Wipes

          I didn't pack a going home outfit, because I found at the newborn phase, living in sleepers makes life easier. The Halo, more for hubs and I than Baby B. With Jake the longest he slept was 30 min. Then his startle reflex kicked in, and he'd wake himself up. A friend had a baby 6 months before me, and save the day when she sent over her Halos. It gets them tightly swaddled, and with the velcro you don't worry about it on their face. We were able to go from 30 min, to 3 hours uninterrupted. Honestly being in the hospital and being in that situation was so much more stressful than at home. Pretty sure Cale and I both had a panic attack. The diapers was a hard one for me. I checked a local mom group and got mixed answers on if we needed to bring them or not. I realize now, the hospital provided us with supplies last time because we were briefly in NICU, and will be again...I still packed em anyway.

          For Cale and I it was SUPER basic. I used my medium sized suitcase, and was able to pack all of this.

          For Me:
          Pair of Pajamas that button in the front and go over my incision (They really only need to trace this time)
          Maternity Yoga Pants
          Maternity Leggings
          2 loose tops
          3 camis
          4 pairs of massive pairs of underwear
          Massive pads
          Flip flops
          Nursing pads
          Nursing bra
          Socks
          Nursing Pillow my Brest Friend
          Meds- Not packed but I have a note on my door to remind me

          I put camis but not nursing. I went through my entire year of nursing Jake with no nursing specific clothes. Mostly looser fitting tops, layered over a regular cami, it worked just as well for me. I stressed what nursing pillow because I had 3, and that was the one I liked. I liked it because it buckles up, so it doesn't move. Bonus you can attach it easily to the suitcase with that buckle. I still have to get the all clear on this specifically because I have been getting updates from them at my fetal assessment appointments, what I can and can't bring.

         Cale:
          1 Pair of PJ pants
          1 Pair of Shorts
          3 Tshirts
          3 pairs of underwear
          Socks
          A throw blanket
          A pillow

           I guess the last 2 were provided to my brother when my nephew was born, but our hospital doesn't really do that for dad. They may have given him and extra blanket because it was winter, but that was it  ( I don't even remember that if I'm being honest). BUT with my less is more approach, I was able to fit these into the suit case, so no added items to carry

           For us both
           Toiletries
           Phone charger and battery back up, ear buds
           Water bottles

          Toiletries is where I likely over packed for Cale. He kind of stuck to using my bathroom sink as much as he could because the showers were more communal. The nurses did offer to try and make sure they could get him in there all clear, but I get it, it wasn't a comfortable situation. In our prenatal classes they told us to bring stuff to stay entertained because it's a marathon. Well, my induction started on Thursday morning, Jake was born Saturday night. Sounds awful right? It wasn't so bad. When I wasn't being tended to, or trying to walk around, I was on my phone. Phones can do so much now, tell me you haven't been able to waste hours on it.

         Couple of other things too. The car seat. we don't have the base installed yet, but that will take a couple min, and the car seat will be with us. They require you to put your baby in it before they let you leave, but it will stay in the car until we're actually leaving. I'm bringing a tote bag too. This will be left in the car, but we will be leaving with more than we went in with. Also when we get to leave, I won't be as meticulous about packing, I might need some overflow. Also if I'm being brutally honest, if they supply us with stuff, they tell us to take it, because they would have to just throw it out anyway. So if on the off chance we're leaving with free stuff, I need room to stash it.

        I can't believe they're sitting in the living room waiting, but it's that close now.

        K, Luv Ya, Bye

        Nancy
       
         

Not Wishing This Away

         

          One of the biggest regrets I have with Jake is wishing time away. When this passes it will be easier, or I can't wait for... Parenting is hard, point blank. I knew this before Jake was born, but I had no sweet clue how hard. My sister in law and I discussed this more than once in the last 6 months. It's never what you think, and there are curve balls constantly and hopelessness at times. If you're some one who is dreaming of being a parent, and this terrifies you, I promise it's ALL worth it. The problem is sometimes you let these things overshadow the stuff you should savor, because it disappears to quick.

          I have this all in my head, and am trying to keep this in my mind with Baby B. I LOVED being pregnant with Jake. I loved almost every second, even when I had to be admitted, I basked in the fact that I could sit for hours and listen to his heart beat. With this one, it's been more of a struggle. I was sick longer, tired more, but I've tried to enjoy it, and in the later part I have much more than I did the first round. At this point with Jake, I was wishing for the end. I'm a little proud that I am not this time. I'm enjoying the last couple of weeks of feeling my little person inside of me. One reason, I missed it after Jake was born. Another reason, we don't plan on having any more kids. This is the last time I will love being the size of a house, or feel a little tiny person move, or my favorite the little person getting excited when hi big brother talks to him.


          Remember me talking about mom guilt? I do try and avoid it if I can.

Upcoming Christmas Series

       

          My favorite thing to write about is my kid(s). My second, is Christmas. Yes I realize, it's July, but if you know me, and know how I operate, this post comes as no shock. If you don't, quick history here. Prior to me starting this blog, I had another, called Unclouded spirit. It was something I started in my early 20's, and it was something I worked at to just shake some negativity out of my life. I would do a yearly Christmas planning series, and I have brought it over to this blog. 

          Here's how it typically goes down. Starting on September 15th, I share the things I am doing to get ready. If I'm being honest, I have typically started little bits by now even, but we're in a weird time right now. My theory is, you start early, it spreads out the load. Financially has always been the main priority for me, and don't get me wrong it still is a priority, now it's more spreading out the stress that can come with it. That was something I really didn't get until I was a mom. 

         I still plan to go forward with this model, but I will have a child about a month old when September 15th rolls around. On one hand, writing these posts, will be amazing for me to sit down and type up...the question will be how much will I actually be on top of. I still plan to do this and it would start two months from today...which is why I'm writing this now. I DO plan to do it all, and have started to map out my plans, but another thing that I have done since becoming a mom, when it comes to Christmas is prioritizing. More on that in the post I'll be itching to write in August. I used to work in Radio, and this post is something we'd call a teaser...though I think I'm more teasing myself. 

        k, Luv Ya, Bye

        Nancy

Second Born Excitement?

         I haven't done a post in a very long time. I talk with my sister in law regularly, and she has been doing  her blog. Basically every one of her posts hits close to home for me. We were talking about how therapeutic writing these posts can be. So here I am. I'm currently letting my washer run to clean it out, and taking some me time with my blog.

         Mom guilt is so incredibly real. Since getting pregnant one that has come back to me again and again is, in having a second child, what am I taking away from my first? I think it hits me hard, because I'm a first born. I look at my son and think how he's going to have to share everything now. His toys, his parent's time and attention. There are a couple things that remind me, my son is gaining, not missing out. One is being an older sibling myself. I try to imagine what growing up without my brother would have been like, and honestly I would have missed out on a lot of happy memories. And now I would be missing out on the person to look back on them and laugh.

        The other part comes from Jake himself. During this pandemic, He was stuck at him with me for 2 ish months. He's back at the sitter now and he's happier. He loves playing with the other kids so much. Not to mention he cuddles into my stomach to talk to his brother and asks me when he's coming. I'm not so naive to think it will all be smooth sailing with my boys, but my son isn't losing, he's gaining.

        This then brings about a new worry for me, will my second feel less loved? I don't think that he will be less loved in any way, shape or form, but will he feel that way? There's a "shinny and new" enthusiasm with a first born, and it seems like it's a little dulled for a second. He's not the first for anything, he's not even a different gender so he could ride that wave. We saved everything from Jake, so while we're well equipped ( in a pandemic, that's kind of amazing), there's really very little new stuff for this little guy, . I'm not saying he'll ever know, but I now have a fear that tip toes into my brain every so often that he won't feel as treasured as his brother.

         Parenting is always a balancing act, I'll do my best for both my boys, that I know. I also know that it won't always be the same thing, which I will have to remind myself more than once I'm sure. As I said though, Mom Guilt is real, so these fears will always be there too.

       K, Luv Ya, Bye

        Nancy