Our second son Brock came into our lives last week and it's been a blur since. When Jake was born, I'm 99% sure I had undid postpartum depression. Not wanting to feel that way again, my mental health was a priority with me. My husband and sister in-law are both on high alert for me.
But here is the problem, baby blues. In the beginning your hormones are a mess. You can cry easily. I find myself not wanting to cry for fear of it being ppd. It feels different from last time. Last time I felt like I was messing everything up, and useless, and I couldn't leave my house, because I would lose control of everything if I did...and then I felt isolated if I didn't leave the house...then later, I felt like I lost myself, and to and extent I did. That is what ppd felt like for me.
My experience this time has felt different. Brock is a week old and has been on 2 walks, one was a spontaneous adventure to take Jake to see boats. Spontaneous would have caused a meltdown with my first pregnancy. I have gotten overwhelmed with stuff not related to the boys at all. My support system noted this and it is something that's been noted. Also noted is my lack of sleep playing into it. My biggest trigger for water works is actually Jake. Between the sweet things he says and does with me and his brother, it doesn't take much. Then there is remembering. For example, tears are running down my face right now...Brock is laying on my chest asleep and I remember this with Jake. What's more I remember that time being a struggle, and wishing for an easier time to come...so mom guilt plays in too.
Right now my mental health is so hard to gauge. When I cry I analyze it every time, baby blues or ppd? I think it's my biggest struggle right now. I wanted to share this, because yeah it's not talked about. But also, this blog has always been a therapy for me, and it feels good to write these things. So there it is. My struggle to define, Postpartum Depression, or "Just Baby Blues"
K, Luv ya, Bye
Nancy
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