Mom guilt is a very real thing. My house is not spotless,
guilt. My kid did not eat any vegetables, guilt. We did not get out and do
anything fun on the weekend, guilt. I feel like a mom can concoct guilt, as easily
as she can forget where she left her cold cup of coffee. I’ve had times where I
have felt like I am drowning in guilt.
During
my pregnancy, it got bad. I’m still
pretty sure I had pregnancy depression with Brock because it was the opposite
of the upbeat euphoria I experienced with Jake. Near the end I was reaching out
to moms I felt would be good to talk to about it, because I needed someone, it
was suffocating. Something that was eating at me all the time was how guilty I
felt towards Jake. I already felt I was spread too thin, and he was missing out
on me, but now he would have to share me.
The reality that I see now is, he
has a best friend forever, and he adores his little brother, and the feeling is
very much mutual. What is more I am very conscious of making sure he doesn’t feel
like he lost anything having his brother. As a result, when we talk I’m really listening
to him, not just hearing and responding. I make sure I actively listen, and
even though half the stuff he says might sound ridiculous to me, to him, this is
important stuff. I make sure that he knows
I am listening and trying to understand where he’s coming from. Our solo moments
are fewer, yes, but they are of a higher quality these days. Before we were
often just existing in the same room. Now, we bake, we plant seeds, we paint,
we colour, we send birthday cards together, we do our chores together (and
often much slower). There is more value in the time than there was before, when
we took it for granted.
There
is less pressure with Brock than there was with Jake. I hadn’t been around a
baby in years when Jake was born, but Brock, I’m not even rusty yet. Now as
soon as I type this, something will go sideways, but Brock also took to feeding
immediately, and he’s pretty good to put to sleep. I’m not drowning in stress, and I’m also
actually really enjoying this time with him.
This is where mom guilt creeps in. Why
couldn’t I enjoy Jake like this? The best example of it is I enjoy nursing
Brock for the most part, I did not enjoy it with Jake, it was a chore. There
was so much anxiety with nursing when Jake was born, I never completely shook
it. Brock latched minutes after birth and has stayed on pretty well ever since.
It has been a long and painful road
to bring me to a rather obvious, but recent realization. Mom guilt poisons
the moment. I cannot turn back time and make myself drop the anxiousness I felt
when I nursed Jake. I can however take my time that I will have with him this weekend
and start our seeds for our garden this year. I can watch him light up when I
bought him sprinkles for the next time we bake together. I can stop dwelling on
what has gone and enjoy this season. As for the stuff that is gone with Jake, I
need to grab onto those moments with Brock, because they’re once again going
too fast, some are gone already.
Moral of the story, Mom guilt makes
more Mom guilt. You need to break the cycle somewhere.
